...that's what He said...

Finally…

…I’ve found it…I can take the next step.  

All because of you

Testing the w a t e r s

There’s a certain point in where the relaxation of hot water becomes scoldering hot… but there’s always the anxiety of discerning whether or not your hand or foot’s perception of “hot” is the same as the rest of your body….because we’ve all been there; putting our finger/hand on a burning hot stovetop… Let’s face it, there is absolutely nothing I can do to convince you that a glowing red surface will, in no way whatsoever, harm you… all because you’ve been BURNED before…

ranT

Ever been on a road trip?  Ever been at that point on a road trip of being in the car/behind the wheel of a car for hours on end to where you know you’ve been making progress but everything just looks the same?  ”Road, car, road, tree, road, gas station-oh, and more road.” It’s quite the brutal feeling, if you ask me.  I mean, I’ve recently taken a 9 hour road trip on roads I’ve never been on.  Being in one spot on a long series of highways and small roads, which in the long run can take you to a place quite far from your actual destination, can be daunting…throw in the fact that I had no radio and that I actually DID get lost, and you kind of have a bit of a glimpse of what it was like for me.  

Now, I’m not sure where this is leading but I promise you, I was only going to write the first few sentences here.  Anywho, I’m just saying-nay, ranting that I have to be exposed to other people’s, “success” if you will. And yes it somehow effects me, but I guess as I’m writing this I’m realizing that it’s just a common case of man vs. himself.  (Maybe that hit me after reading @jonkang ‘s blog just now.)  Well, it’s less of a comparison to others, but rather me asking myself why haven’t I gotten there yet?  Well, I guess that is comparing…and we’re back to Man vs Himself… wow, I know right? “This guy’s all junkd up.”

Ah, whatev’.  Maybe my time is coming up…hrmm, or what if it isn’t? (food for thought) There we go, that’s the key!  What if it isn’t?  What if it isn’t and there’s nothing you can do about it?  How would you go about your daily activity?  Would it be that much more meaningful; the small things you do, or would it just all be pointless?  If you knew that, would you just embrace it or try against the odds and be that one voice against the crowd?

-Outt

workINprogress

(I promise this one won’t be a mouthful…much)

So lately I’ve been really feeling the urge to turn Ally into something that will turn heads, give my car the attention she deserves.  For a S14 Kouki, it really has nothing to show for, I mean straight up bone stock, a beat up fender and rear quarter panel, even a cheap clear coat job that’s peeling away.  Nonetheless, we both know she’s a gem and has plenty of potential to turn into a sexy roaring beast, it’s just gonna take some time and money for a high-quality build (I’ve seen my fair share of half-booty work and I refuse to give Ally that royalty-depraived status).  And what’s worse is whenever I do come across another kouki, be it authentic or not, it’s always got a one-up on Ally…makes me feel left behind somewhat, sometimes even makes me want to just give up and give in to something cheaper…

In the same sense, I feel the same for life in general.  (this is where I’m a little more glad in the fact that there may only be one or two people who actually DO read these -thanks Stacy[miss you guys too]).  I’ve been a little observing lately, seeing how much people’s lives are working out, getting somewhere, or making some sort of progress in the direction seeming fit to their content. I get the same feeling when I see these people, especially with reality of how much can potentially change in 6 months of being MIA. I feel the similar, “when will I get my break?” or “when is it going to be my time to shine?” and whatever similarities lie thereof.  

Yeah, I know, my time will come one day.  I guess it takes taking a look at Ally to realize this.  Seeing how much she’s crying out to be shown to the world in her beauty shows me how much I’ve been crying out.  I keep telling her “one day Ally, one day” when in being the one in control of when that day will come, I really should be the one taking my own advice.  There’s someone in control of my life and when thing’s will kick up into who that person wants me to be…’til then, I, myself, am a work in progress…

…letMEgetCHANGED…

Up until recently, I’ve been facing a bit of an episode of mine.  Not to belittle it by the word “episode” or anything, but it’s something that if you know me, you’d have predicted it from a mile prior.  It started a little shy of a year ago, and I guess the typical hype and panic-in-the-gray motions, it led to the only thing that hasn’t changed over the years…which is how these situations always seem to unravel in my world. 

I’ve told very few about the change in the wind I feel and how I feel led in a direction that will lead to something…-well, something different.  While following the feeling of necessity to take charge into these situations to discover what this new atmosphere of change may be, I found myself confronting the situation I mentioned in the above paragraph.  Let’s just say I knew long before I showed any initiative to take these matters to hand, that I would be at a position to make a decision; a life with (if willingness was mutual), in which I was more than ready to do whatever it takes to make it happen, or a life without…I only wish it was as simple as that was just stated.  It turns out I found the anwser to that puzzle, only to find the whole “life without” part of it harder to take in than I imagined.  I can say I’m still fighting it at the moment.

I know, if you’ve even read this or any of my recently previous posts, you’ve probably hinted at an enormous amount of ambiguity and general vagueness, so I’ll give you this much, and this much for sure; because this is the one thing I am absolute about…things are about to change for me, dramatically.  To the point where all I can say is I don’t know where I’ll be within the next year.  I honestly hope it’s not home in TX anymore.  I guess I’m embracing this change with running open arms.  I’m not running from the issues listed above, but rather finding a way to cope with the outcome.  I mean, what else can you do?  Given a situation where you’re powerless to change the outcome, or even the feeling that you’ve done enough and it’s time to let the flames turn into ash to see what withstood the fire, regardless, the only thing you can do in situations like these is move on.  And the only way I feel I can move on is to make a change in the only thing I have the power to change.  I’ve seen a lot of what I really look like and what I’ve looked like in the past, and let’s just say the mirror can’t be blamed for the flaws and blemishes in this case. 

Being free from the chains of what I’ve just dealt with allowed me to see the full wingspan I have the potential for, I’ve just gotta focus on that.  I know it won’t be easy but it’s one I’m hoping I have the willingness to accomplish.  I know I keep making references to these past events but I guess that’s the spark that’s igniting the fumes that have constantly been pumping into my chamber.  Having finally dealt with this issue, I really feel free to be me; free to find me.  I’ve been watching Smallville a lot, maybe a little too much, but nonetheless.  Before Clark Kent became the Man of Steel we all fictionally know, he went through life that was hard, trying, and full of trivial let downs and disappointments.  The only way he became the hero and a symbol of hope was to overcome these defining moments…and maybe these are mine.

The last thing I want to say about this change is…well I can’t say who will be in this new life of mine.  I’ve always feared the sad truth that friends come and friends go, so in lieu of that fear I tried to hold on to as many friends as possible.  I now understand that, true I would have plenty of friends, but at the expense of having true friends.  I mean, I do have some true friends, but -ARG!  What I’m trying to say is, if you’re currently in my life, know I appreciate you, and if our roads lead in different directions, I’ll never forget you.  So I hope people will actually get a chance to see this, becuase being off of facebook kind of drops my views here to virtually none….well maybe I’ll repost this somewhere more public.  Anywho, til next time…

Agape,
Mike

forkintheroad

I feel stopped at a point where going down the suggested path isn’t as easy as it seemed.  Two definitively different decisions (mouthful?) are right in front of me and I’m stumped on which person I want to become.  Not that I want to be ruler of my own life, rather I want the independence to actually depend on the certain parts of my life that speak “who I am” louder to be more dominantly present.  In other words, I want to have the power to make things happen for myself.  Not selfishly, but moreover responsibly.  It’s something I told myself I’d do when my life took a rather interesting turn; to grow up and become the man I’m supposed to be. 

Imagine two roads that lead in the same path but as they progress, they start to separate into two different checkpoints in the same region.  It’s life I guess, and it’s what makes it so intricate.  I guess I’ll just have to see which way the wind leads, and whether or not I want to go pro-wind or against the currents….just like the wind got me pulled over on I-35…

Anywho, if anyone is even reading this, have you ever reached a life-defining fork in the road?  Maybe it’s just me, who is infamously known for over-analyzing situations, or maybe it’ll help to know there are others going through, or have gone through similar encounters.  Hope to hear from someone…?

wheretostart…

You know, somehow I just managed to pull myself to use this again.  Mind you, I’m most positive I haven’t used this in at least a year(or less?).  Nevertheless, I guess being plugged out from the world long enough, your mind begins to wonder…(now if only I can plug that out for just a given moment).  So much to say and so little attention span…my attention span.  So where to start…

Well, I can definitely say it’s not as big as everyone put it up there to be.  I mean don’t get me wrong, the sights are stunning(believe me), but I guess you could say I got what I asked for.  Given the nutshell I’m in, you give what’s taken for granted up for something new to forsake.  Now don’t take that as some nostalgia-induced statement; it just means I’d like to think I’ve learned to appreciate certain things in life while I grow weary of seeing the same things everyday.  But I’m sure there’s a different approach that one could take to change the perspective of it.  Sure enough, I’m alive and doing well.  

Please excuse the vagueness of this, I wasn’t too sure I wanted to blog this, but here I am, I guess.  I’ve had plenty of time to myself and way too much of it for my mind to think.  I can’t say I’ve benefited from this experience as much as I thought, but I can say I’ve a clear understanding of what’s going to happen next….

…and that you’ll have to wait up for. 

Agape,
Mike

(I think I’ll do this more in the near future) 

..all in due time…His time…

Yet another semester gone to waste, but the phrase “gone to waste”, does that necessarily mean that I’ve done nothing productive, or I just didn’t live up to the standard?

As most of you know, I graduated high school in 2008 and I’ve yet to enroll in a college course.  Why not?  One reason being, and I’ll admit with my chin held high and humbled, is that my priorities have just been jumbled, and I acknowledge that I can’t do this without Christ[pray for me].  Along with work and youth duties, which have both past, I was pretty much bombarded with more than I could handle.  But now I’m just kinda stuck in the state of being “chill”, or in this case, maybe too chill. I have been active with youth and the ministry, but it’s dawned on me numerous times that maybe its time I focus some on my future.  So currently being in a state of building static energy, I’m just waiting upon God to lead me.  I can try to make it on my own, but I’ve been assured I wont get too far.  All I can do now is just focus on Him and what He wants for me.  I’ve been involved with ministry and youth activity much this past year, but more importantly than that, I really believe I’ve found my true relationship with Christ.  Thanks to great friends and family, I’ve spent this past year more joyous than anything.  Of course, now is more of a time requiring much patience than actions.  Again, I know God’s got great plans for me, and I’m making way and keeping a path as clear as possible for His greatness to lead me along.  I just need to keep my eyes on Him and I’ll never go wrong.

So you tell me, does this past year mean I’ve been unproductive?  According to this world’s standards, yes; I’ve done nothing to better myself educationally.  But more than that, this past year has been nothing but a major building block in my life.  I look back in the past and review over all my “foolish mistakes(at the time)” and thank God that I’m on the road I’m on now.  I only ask that you continually pray for me that I will continue to submit my all to His will for me, all of this static energy is destined to unleash in some fashion, let it be for Christ!  Continue to Love, because Christ loved us first!
TK and God Bless!

-MikeOutta

This is to those who have been curious of what I’ve been up to lately.  Hopefully this site won’t turn into another Xanga :P